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If you don’t know what went on this weekend then you must have been hiding under a rock. As a result of what I did I have been lied about, blocked and vilified. It really hurts and my emotions haven’t quite recovered yet. They’re having a duvet day today. πŸ˜‰ However, I am not going to defend myself. Go and read what I said and make up your own minds. Anybody with a shred of integrity wouldn’t believe what has been said about me anyway. And I don’t want to bother trying to persuade the rest of you. If you want to believe that I am a spiteful, jealous person then go right ahead.

Onwards!

I have spent my whole life, but particularly the last two and a half years learning how to forgive people who have hurt me. Learning how to stop holding onto resentment as if it is a fire to warm me when the going gets rough. It’s a fucking painful process. And I learned something – I can’t do it! I try letting go and then just beat myself up when anger and bitterness come creeping back into my heart. But I can honestly say that I have forgiven the person I’m thinking of right now. She really hurt me. Not only took away from me the people I cared about, but wounded my very identity. She made me doubt everything about myself. She forced me back to the tormented days at school, to the bullies who made me feel like a worthless, steaming pile of shit.

So how? I have to go back to my identity. I know who I am. The person I want to be is warm, welcoming, accepting, loving. That is who I want to be. I’m not there yet. I spend far too much time wanting to punch the crap out of people who irritate me to have reached my goal. But this weekend that I have just crawled out of has impacted the core of me, and will do so for the rest of my life. No, not a heated discussion over who gets to participate in the running of a blog. The death and resurrection of my best friend.

He knows all about me wanting to punch people and I’m fairly sure he’s smiled at my anger and my tears these last few days. He knew that I’d end up decimated. He knew that I would want to write a desperate blogpost defending myself and asking my friends in the madosphere not to hate me. And he gently pointed to his wounds. He gently drew my gaze up to see him at the highest place. He has brought a smile back to my face, just in the last hour.

He lives.

When Satan tempts me to despair
And tells me of the guilt within
Upward I look and see Him there
Who made an end to all my sin
Because the sinless Saviour died
My sinful soul is counted free
And God the Just is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me
To look on Him and pardon me

So I’m going to nip off now and reactivate my Facebook and come back out of hiding. I hope to see some of you on Saturday for fun and frivolity, hugs and laughter. πŸ˜€

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