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Ugh. Why is it that when I resolve to be really good and totally learn a bunch of stuff and work really hard all day, that’s the time my brain turns on me and reduces me to a quivering wreck?

A big thank you goes to Aliquant, for not only being awake in the wee hours but also for forcing me to see at least a little bit of sense.

So what the hell happened? Well, I became convinced that everybody hates me, as you do. Not everyone, to be fair, just a few people I was with yesterday evening. And because I was so scared that they are talking about me and saying what a horrible person I am, getting ready to stop being friends with me and possibly even throw me out of the church, I emailed them all apologising for anything I said which may have offended them. Then I went to bed and slowly descended into a panic attack. By 1am I was a mess.

For crying out loud, I really need to get a grip. Has anyone seen one? My thoughts went like this: I shouldn’t have said that –> Everyone hates me –> My roof is going to cave in and we’ll die. You may all now congratulate me on my superior skills with logic.

I panicked so badly that it took me a long time to get to sleep, even after Ali’s dose of common sense so I’m staring a bit blankly today. I’ve made an appointment with my GP to beg for some Diazepam. My exam is in three weeks and I am severely under-prepared. This irrational over-reaction to, well, nothing could potentially run and run. If I sort myself out then I can cancel the appointment. It might be a bloody waste of time anyway, given the appointment isn’t till the 23rd. I could have got an appointment with another doctor sooner but I like mine. Last year I had to refuse to leave the doctor’s office until he gave me some. Don’t really want to have to face that again. I always feel like they’re judging me. “But you left your house all by yourself and can get sentences out of your mouth – clearly you’re a faker.”

I do feel like a weakling. I should be able to handle anxiety. I’m supposed to be recovered. Haven’t had a mental-health related appointment in nearly a year. This is a step backwards. But neither do I want to be a constantly gibbering wreck or end up off work for two weeks like last year, recovering from jumping out of my skin when anybody spoke to me, and sweating through the nights wondering if hubby was dead.

*Holds out hands for benzos*

PS. One person replied to my email saying I hadn’t said anything that could offend anyone. The rest are probably staring at my email thinking what an idiot I am. Or they do hate me. Either way:

Meh

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