I’m recounting the things I’m supposed to do in the event of an anxiety attack. Well, there’s breathing, right. If I breathe slowly I should be able to calm my heart down. Why the fuck does that never work? What else am I supposed to do? I think someone told me to wiggle my toes once. Wiggling makes me feel sick, movement of any sort makes me feel sick. What else, what else?
There is, of course, the option of actually facing the thing I’m scared of. That involves reading a bunch of stuff about more stuff that I don’t understand and writing mini essays on that stuff. Which is what I’ve been trying to do. And that’s how I ended up in this mess, currently trying to regulate my breathing, etc.
Can’t think of anything else that might work, short of running away from my office and going home. Which is what I did yesterday. Just got up and walked out of my class halfway through. And there’s no way I’m going to the next one, which also happens to be my last one. I’m just going to skip the last class of my MA. On the bright side, it does mean I’ll be able to beg that Diazepam from my GP.
Can’t always run away though. Even if I did go home now, I have to study there. Then we’re back to that thing where everything looks wonky and there’s a possibility of falling over.
Two weeks and then it’s over. Nearly over nearly over nearly over nearly over. I have enough adrenaline pumping through me to give me the energy to study constantly for two little weeks. If I could just get rid of the fecking panic. But I don’t know how to do it. Everything I do to calm down only works as I concentrate on that thing. Music. Music helps. When I focus on it I can slow everything down a bit. But when I study, the music fades away and everything starts shaking again.
So anyway. I know, worst blogpost ever. I’m only doing it because I can’t think of anything else that will keep me sitting down until home time. I got these words from a song in my head: Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. It’s one of the songs from that big Christian thing I went to last summer. We repeated those words over and over and it soothed me. It’s starting to send a balm through my mind now. What I need is to be able to translate from this into study time. The one needs to be merged with the other.
Pray continually. (1 Thessalonians 5:17)
Never really worked out how to do that. But that’s maybe what I need to do. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. It’s a prayer. Reminds me of what is real, what is true, what matters, the only thing that matters. How, how do I make myself remember when panic takes over? Your love, it burns so fierce for us, your love conquered death on a cross. I know it’s real but I can’t make it real now, real when I need it to be real. If something is real then it should impact something about you, something about how you live your life. But it’s not. I’m a coward.
You never give up on us
You never let go or turn away
We’re holding onto you
Our God is strong
Our God is good
Good thing he doesn’t turn away, because I’m not doing a very good job of holding onto him. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. And it’s gone again. Bring it back. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. Gone again. Bring it back. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me. Gone again. Bring it back. Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.