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I’m feeling a bit blue. I’ve worked so hard that now I feel like a deserve a holiday. One bank holiday doesn’t really count. Tomorrow I go back to work and have to start thinking about the dissertation. No holiday for me. Bit of a pity party going on here.

So I’m going to grump a bit. No, I’m not going to list all the things that are good (although some things really are) and instead I’m going to flop around on the sofa feeling sorry for myself because it’s already 4pm so my last day of freedom is slipping fast away from me.

People told me to really enjoy this weekend off, I told myself I’d really enjoy this weekend off. I could do anything I want. I could lie in bed reading my book, I could watch as much Star Trek as I wanted. And I have. Well, not Star Trek, I went for Star Wars instead. And I read a bit of my book, not too much though because my concentration has left the country. It’s gone on holiday, the git. I’ve done some other good stuff which I’ve enjoyed.

But it hasn’t been the Weekend of Win like I thought it might be. That’s because it had become some sort of wondrous, mythical island in my mind. My goal in life was to finish the exam and then have the best weekend ever, coming out at the end of it invigorated and ready to return to life.

Bollocks to that. Some difficult things popped up. There was to be no difficulty this weekend. I feel a bit crap really, my eyes are still burning with tiredness (and from some crying – bah to the blues!) and I don’t want to go to work tomorrow. And this is the problem with really looking forward to something. With bigging something up in your mind until it becomes impossible to achieve. It just can’t live up to your expectations. It’s happened over and over again and I never learn.

Now I have to pick myself up. So when I said I’m not going to list all the good things, that was a bit rubbish really. I’m not going to list them all here. But I have spent time this weekend talking with some very good friends. There have been cuddles. There has been banter on the internet. INTERNET FTW. I’m listening to Jesus Culture right now, the band I mentioned a couple of posts back. Loud. It can help to drown out negative or anxious thoughts. It can drive back tears and bring a smile to my face.

The blues haven’t disappeared yet but there is singing. I love singing. So the great expectations didn’t entirely work out. They never do. Get over it, Narky. And sing.

[And also get my lightsaber out and smite anyone who annoys me.]