Well, feck me, I’m tired. Sleep, it was not good last night. So I walked into church this morning ready to eat anyone who came into contact with me. Or ready to cry. I went with the latter.
I was singing in the band this morning and I panicked
a bit a lot that I wasn’t going to make it through the service. I abandoned the practice beforehand and sat in a dark corridor. When that failed to restore some semblance of control, I sought out a woman who has been brilliant with me for the last few years. I referred to her on my old blog as Lovely Lady and the name stands. I told her I was going to cry and I had to sing in front of about 100 people.
She whipped me into a small room, saw someone else was in there but shrugged and wrapped me in a massive hug anyway. She prayed that I would fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith. That I would remember that I was singing for me and for my Lord, not for anyone else. She smiled at me and I smiled back.
I managed almost the whole service. The words of one song broke my resolve and I couldn’t keep singing.
My hope provides me with a spur
To help me run this race
I know my tears will turn to joy
The day I see his face
The day I see his face
I don’t know why I worried about crying in front of the whole church. I did cry in front of the whole church and it was absolutely fine. I think they’ve been desensitised to it, after I cried in almost every service for months when I was depressed last year! They’re far more accepting and caring than I give them credit for.
Crying when certain words of songs touch me in church is actually good. God touches somewhere inside me and releases something. Sometimes it’s sadness, sometimes it’s hope. It could be anything. Today it was a very big, messy mix. But it’s nothing to worry about.
There’s a lot going on right now. Impulsivity combined with shame is turning me into a neurotic wreck. A neurotic wreck who still can’t keep her big mouth shut. Emotions have come crashing in. Memories have come crashing in. Love has come crashing in but it’s being attacked by massive fears.
It’s all a bit much really. And a few hours ago I rescued a little bird from the clutches of my cat. It just died and I feel really sad. I can’t bear to see animals suffering and I’m following in my mum’s footsteps, holding little birds as they die from cat induced shock.
And I’ve just found out it’s my sister-in-law’s due date today. I’m going to be an aunty soon. This is good. This is good. This is good. I’m sad though and I think I’m going to cry again.