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My family are on their way to Soul Survivor now and I’m feeling really sad because we’re not going with them. There are some parallels between now and then. Last year I was an anxious, angry, depressed mess. Now: Anxious – tick. Angry – tick. Depressed? It hasn’t been long enough to decide. I am extremely tired and the party line is that that’s all.

I think it has been apparent to all how much better I have been over the last year. I credit that not only to Lamotrigine but also to to Soul Survivor. Not at all that I have been miraculously healed. It’s not actually been about the mental at all. It’s other things, things that are so personal I haven’t been able to write about them here. I did write them but it’s a private post. I can go back and look at it but I haven’t in quite a while. I’ve been forgetting and drifting. Disappearing from real contact and insisting I’m fine, even to myself. And maybe I am.

Unfortunately, on Sunday my eyes betrayed me and leaked that watery stuff without my permission. Of course I was standing on the stage at church in front of the entire congregation, but that’s nothing new. They’re so used to me crying that they probably don’t notice it anymore. I was singing a song and these words were my undoing:

Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord
We will wait upon the Lord

Our God, You reign forever
Our hope, our strong deliverer

You are the everlasting God
The everlasting God
You do not faint
You won’t grow weary
You’re the defender of the weak
You comfort those in need
You lift us up on wings like eagles

I often surprise myself by how thick I am. I’m tired and I’ve forgotten the person who gives strength.

I could really do with an injection of life and I know that Soul Survivor would help with that. I’m unsure how to even let God help me out right now because I have to go into a hole to cope. I need to pull back, to not talk to people, to not dwell on how I feel. Books and quiet, I can’t focus on anything else. I’m not sure how God fits into that. I think it’s related to what I learned at Soul Survivor last year and I think I need to find my hiding place while I’m busy and overworked and tired, not by running away. This is such a strong reflection of last year. I went into a freaked out hole then and I’m in a freaked out hole now and in this hole I’m not even sure God exists, but I really hope he does and that he can reach me.

Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, 
    your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139: 7-12