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I’ve been wanting to write a blogpost all day, but I couldn’t think of a coherent thread so I didn’t bother. But I have to write because my brain feels too full and there has to be a way to empty it – a better way than drinking a bottle of wine as I did last night.

*Drinks wine*

Brain is full in a flung-about-rampaging-noise-chaotic-emotions-life-is-awesome-fuck-off-I-love-everybody sort of way.

So the most prominent thing in my head tonight is feeling sorry for the security guard in my building. He had been doing something slightly wrong so I had a chat with him as I left and reassured him that the other way of doing things was good too. He looked a bit confused and said someone else had told him otherwise, so I smiled and told him not to worry, not the end of the world, etc. But really I wanted to burst into tears and hug him. It’s vulnerability I pick up on. Not necessarily his thoughts or his emotions, but something inside that should be protected.

Same thing happened when I had to be a bit mean to a student. I got approval from both my bosses, actually agreed with the principle, but still put it off two days and only sent the mean email with hubby bullying me over the phone this afternoon. It was like telling a child they can’t have sweets but they have to watch their friends eating them. And I imagined the student being all disappointed. I was a total wuss and gave the official speil with absolutely no personal touches at all and now I despise myself. But it would have been unprofessional to say I’m really sorry at the end. I can not get it out of my head!

Er… what else? I’m living in a state of flux between exhaustion and excitement. I got all excited last night and drank all the wine to calm myself down. Why haven’t I learned that that never works? All that happened was that I was wide awake at 11pm and miserably sleepy at 6:30 the next morning. And also miserably sleepy on the train, over my morning coffee in the office, in the corner of a coffee shop this afternoon… Now I have to go out this evening when I want to go to bed, and if I stayed indoors I’d probably want to stay up all night getting pissed and farting around on Twitter.

I remember with the whole mood swing issue I had going on for a while, if I was down I’d force myself to go out, be with people, do things, smile, laugh. If I was high I’d force myself to sit still, stop talking, not buy ALL THE THINGS. There were limits to how far I could enforce that, but it was the general rule so I didn’t just give in to any passing energy force that barged uninterrupted into my brain. But this is different. I’m just a bit… not all there.

I’ve been spiritually bland for a while. Anything other than reading books and writing words got forced out of me especially this last six months or so. The format of our church services over the last year does not encourage me to spend time in worship or reflection on Sundays. I’m lousy at remembering to read my Bible regularly during the week. I mostly listen to my favourite Christian music to keep myself focused but now that my thoughts just ping around never really landing on anything, whole songs can go by without me even noticing.

I suppose it’s good that I’m finally noticing the lack of anything meaningful between me and God. I’m hoping he doesn’t mind too much. He knows me pretty well, he’s probably just waiting for me to stop staring at shiny things long enough to notice him. I need to get back on my knees because now I’ve noticed what’s going on, I miss him and I miss me. I don’t think the real me has been around for a while and I don’t even remember losing her.

I don’t know if the weirdness I currently feel is a symptom of me disappearing, or if actually that’s me knocking to come back in. But there’s this song:

Here I am before you
Falling in love and seeking your truth
Knowing that your perfect grace
Has brought me to this place
Because of you I freely live
My life to you, oh God, I give

So I stand before you, God
I lift my voice because you set me free

So I shout out your name, from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am yours, I am yours

All the good you’ve done for me
I lift up my hand up hand for all to see
You’re the only one
Who brings me to my knees
To share this love across the earth
The beauty of your holy Word

So I kneel before you, God
I lift my hands because you set me free

So I shout out your name, from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am yours, I am yours

All that I am I place into your loving hands
And I am Yours, I am yours

Here I am, I stand with arms wide open
To the one, the Son, the everlasting God

Her passion, her total enthusiasm, I want that back. Her everything goes into that song, I want to be shouting from the rooftops, I don’t want to be this way anymore. A bland Christian who barely even thinks about God from one day to the next and if he does pop up he rarely gets a chance to hit me where it hurts because I’ve not even noticed him waving at the window.

So now I’m on my way out, late, to band practice at church and tonight I want to sing with everything I am, to put all this random weirdness into the music I make, everything, all of it, all the nonsensical shit that makes me who I am.