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I’m expending a lot of energy acting fine when I’m in public and I feel a bit lonely so I want to at least write here, even though I’m worried that people will think I’m a big fat disappointment after all the fancy spiritual goings on of the last few posts.

I feel like I should have made some massive leap in my life after what happened at Soul Survivor but I haven’t.

Therefore, Soul Survivor has become a new stick to beat myself with and I don’t think it was supposed to be like that.

I feel very down, very tired, very worried. Work is heating up, I’ve only been back three weeks and I’m already avoiding loads of stuff and falling behind.

There’s no ‘give’ about work. The work needs to be done so you just have to do it, doesn’t matter how you feel – tired, depressed, panicking, doesn’t matter. You have to do it anyway. Doesn’t matter how many doctor types repeat that stress levels must be kept low until they’ve managed to sort you out a bit, nobody actually knows how to do that so you just have to suck it up.

And then you’re trapped in a nasty cycle of getting through each week as best you can, pulling out of almost everything in your life that isn’t work so that you can try to claw back enough energy to do it again next week.

The down feeling frightens me a bit, because it’s the all-encompassing type but, being me, doesn’t often show itself. The downness, the tiredness and the anxiousness together are conspiring against me like the bitches they are. I have a lot of work to do and I’m almost at the stage of sitting on the floor in the corner of my office instead of actually doing it.

I knew the SS thing wasn’t a cure so why do I feel guilty about getting so down so quickly?

There was a song at SS that had some lovely words:

Christ alone
Cornerstone
Weak made strong
In the Saviour’s love
Through the storm
He is Lord
Lord of all

Strength comes in weakness, intimacy comes in weakness. Now I look through a glass darkly, Paul said that, and it fits this, it describes how I feel about what happened. I can see what God was doing but only darkly and, honestly, it doesn’t feel real anymore. If God was doing something, why am I still the same?

I almost wish it hadn’t happened. I actually remember saying that to myself, or maybe to God, possibly both of us. I didn’t want anything scarily God-like to happen to me because what if it didn’t come home with me?

I was reminded today that you can’t separate the spiritual from the emotional or the mental, and I really wish you could. If I could split it off then I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about it not making a difference to my life.

When darkness seems to hide his face
I rest on his unchanging grace

Those are some more words from that song and I am trying to trust them, along with other things. What happened was real, God waved at me and he was very nice and it’s true and it means something even though it feels like it happened to someone else.

Doesn’t stop me bricking it about going to work and trying to do a month’s work in one week though. Here endeth the self-pitying whinge.

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