So I’m in therapy, right. And you know how I was all the good student and knowing all the answers and doing all the homework and kind of missing the point? Well, actually I’m getting into it now. And kind of having to nibble at a few of my cynical words over the years. What’s that you say? MINDFULNESS? *Coughs*
We have to do these mindfulness meditations. I have a CD with nine short thingies on it. A few different people, bit of a taster. There is the usual focus on your breathing stuff, notice the thoughts, don’t judge the thoughts, gently guide your thoughts back to the breathing, you know the drill. And I was trying but not really getting what all this wanky stuff is really about, mind wandering, judging the mind for wandering, judging the judging of the mind wandering, getting bored, pfffft. And then one of the mindfulnessy people said that the mind wandering is not doing mindfulness wrong, it’s actually fine because that’s what minds do. They’re training us to notice what the mind does, to become more intimately familiar with our own minds! Ooooooooooh, never heard it put that way before.
And that’s some of what we’re doing in therapy. They’re trying to help us know our minds better. We, groupily, have a tendency to find ourselves feeling something and not really knowing why or how we got there. We just feel all the feels and then get stuck. So stage 1 is notice what the mind does. THAT’S IT. Whoa.
Then last week the therapists went into some stuff about “de-fusing” ourselves. Un-sticking. Become a bit more observant and start to notice the thoughts, the feelings, the images, the memories. Then do some stuff to help un-stick ourselves. I’m not going to describe this because I just tried to and it does look wanky and it still feels kind of wanky and I don’t want whoever reads this to be all frowny about the wanky. Anyway, I’ve been practising and it’s fucking hard work.
And I’m still doing the mindfulness practices. There’s an American woman who annoys me because because she’s telling me to do something, like focus on something that feels really shit but she doesn’t stop talking so I can’t do it because her voice is prattling away in my ear. I’ll listen to her again because the stuff she says is interesting but I frown at her a lot. She’s going on about actually focusing on difficult things. So doing the breathing and thinking about the breathing and then when the mind wanders, actually poking our noses into whatever shitty thing it decides to spend time on, instead of just noticing it and then focusing on breathing again. Like, actually look at the scary things? For whole minutes at a time? Feel them? :O It’s really hard and I suck at it so far. I can be panicking about all the things, thinking about all the miserable things but when some woman tells me to do that I go blank. I can see why we’re doing it though so I’m keeping on. There’s no challenging of thoughts, no changing anything, but instead it’s really feeling all the everythings, and you know what? THAT’S WORSE! Wouldn’t it be great if CBT actually worked? We wouldn’t bitch about it so much if it did. If we could change our thoughts and then change everything else then our lives would be rosy. This is seeing the worst our minds can conjure up for us and then going there and poking it! *Stares*
But I’m doing it because I feel like I have a chance now. There’s a fuckload of stuff yet to come in this therapy so it’s not all about the breathing – HOORAY, because I have a lot of reservations about mindfulness, particularly when used on its own and when people sing its praises from the rooftops, telling us all how recovered we’ll be if we do everything mindfully. *Rolls eyes* There is no mention of recovery in this therapy. In fact, the pessimistic bastards tell us we’ll be fucked in the head forever.
This was going to link into summat else but I can’t be arsed now. Maybe later. DON’T JUDGE ME ON THE MINDFULNESS STUFF, K?