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HeaddeskI had a horrible feeling that I might cry in therapy yesterday so an hour before I went I did a meditation, similar to the type I described here. I was all, yeah, my thoughts are totes sorted now. Then I went into therapy and cried. #headdesk

We figured out what’s going on in the end. After this:

I DON’T GET IT IT’S TOO HARD AND I’M GETTING REALLY DEPRESSED AND AREN’T I SUPPOSED TO BE FEELING BETTER NOW AND I DID THE THING YOU ASKED US TO DO AND THEN I FELT REALLY DISTRESSED AFTER SO I’VE JUST SWAPPED ONE SET OF DISTRESS FOR ANOTHER AND THERE’S THE DISTRESS OF DOING THE THING AND THE DISTRESS OF THE FEELINGS AFTER DOING THE THING AND I DIDN’T ANTICIPATE THAT AND I DID SOME STUFF AT WORK AND IT WAS REALLY SCARY BUT I DID IT AND THAT’S GOOD BUT I SHOULD’VE DONE IT AGES AGO SO I’M AN IDIOT AND EVEN THOUGH I DID THAT THERE ARE ALL THE OTHER THINGS I HAVE TO DO AND I DIDN’T SO I’M A FAILURE AND FAILING THERAPY AND I DON’T GET THIS THERAPY IF I’M REALLY DEPRESSED BUT TRYING TO DO ALL THE THINGS ANYWAY EVEN WITH ALL THE THERAPY TRICKS THAT DON’T MAKE ANY SENSE THEN HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT FROM PUSHING MYSELF AND PUSHING AND PUSHING LIKE I DID LAST YEAR AND THEN I CRASHED AND ENDED UP OFF WORK FOR TWO MONTHS AND THAT WAS EXACTLY THIS TIME LAST YEAR AND EVERYTHING FEELS HORRIBLE AND ARGH AND I’M SORRY I’M CRYING AND TAKING UP ALL THE TIME AND I’M SORRY AND I DON’T GET IT.

Everybody looked at me. And then they were really nice! The others understood and said they know me better now because I’ve been really honest (only took me 14 weeks). And the therapists helped me to understand what’s happened. One said this:

So you’ve got the memories of last year and they’re making you feel sad and scared. And you did a really big thing at work, like really big. I can see your inbox in my head and I feel overwhelmed just thinking about it. And you felt horrible doing it because you’ve avoided it for ages. But you did it anyway. And you did another thing and didn’t do the things you would usually do to make yourself feel better and that has made you feel upset and scared and overwhelmed. And you’re giving your all into this therapy. And you’re depressed. And now you’re crying here and being open and vulnerable and that’s scary too. Are you going to give yourself a break? Ever?

Oh. Right. Didn’t think about that.

Back at the start of therapy we talked about acceptance of the shit in our heads. The shit in my head is like a load of really loud bullies. And I decided, reluctantly, to accept that those bullies are probably going to stick around so I’m going to do the therapy and ACCEPT that the bullies will come with me. They’ll make a lot of noise but they’ll come with me and I will try to stop doing the things I usually do to make them go away because that doesn’t work. I’ll do these other things instead, the things our therapists are teaching us about. And now I’ve done some of those things and actually, I hadn’t really thought about the fact that the bullies will get really fucking loud when I do that. So I panicked.

All the thoughts. All the memories. All the feelings. All the fucking time. And trying really fucking hard to just live with them. And feeling so depressed I’m frightened it’s going to swallow me. Holy. Fucking. Shit.

Apparently this is normal and I’m doing really well and I should be a bit nicer to myself and maybe even recruit other people to be extra nice to me. And the others are cheering me on and I’m cheering them on and that’s lovely.

One of my favourite bands, Rend Collective, has a new album out and I’ve been listening to it the last couple of days. I think it’s their best album yet. It feels packed full of emotion. One song is particularly outstanding. Here it is. It’s inspired by another favourite song of mine. I’ll type the words out below because they’re amazing and so beautiful and and so perfect for me. Balm for my sad and scared spirit.

By grace alone somehow I stand
Where even angels fear to tread
Invited by redeeming love
Before the throne of God above
He pulls me close with nail-scarred hands
Into His everlasting arms

When condemnation grips my heart
And Satan tempts me to despair
I hear the voice that scatters fear
The Great I Am, the Lord is here
Oh praise the One who fights for me
And shields my soul eternally

Boldly I approach Your throne
Blameless now I’m running home
By Your blood I come
Welcomed as Your own
Into the arms of majesty

Behold the bright and risen Son
More beauty than this world has known
I’m face to face with Love Himself
His perfect spotless righteousness
A thousand years, a thousand tongues
Are not enough to sing His praise

Boldly I approach Your throne
Blameless now I’m running home
By Your blood I come
Welcomed as Your own
Into the arms of majesty

This is the art of celebration
Knowing we’re free from condemnation
Oh praise the One, praise the One
Who made an end to all my sin

Boldly I approach Your throne
Blameless now I’m running home
By Your blood I come
Welcomed as Your own
Into the arms of majesty

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