Alright, it’s official. I feel blue. 😦 It’s not supposed to be like this. I’m free, isn’t that a good thing? But I can’t bring myself to put my books away because that means it’s over and I don’t want it to be over. I miss studying already! I know it was stressful and nearly broke me a few times, but it’s like a love-hate thing, you know? The dissertation, awful as it was, it fizzed me up inside just to leave me hanging around with nothing left. It did exactly what it was supposed to do. My whole MA brought me to this point, gave me the skills to research, I zoomed in for a few months and now it’s gone! Bollocks.
I anticipated some sort of crash. Didn’t expect it so soon or to hit so hard, but I can ride it out. It’s not helped by things being a bit tricky at work but I hope to turn that around.
You know what though? I try that CBT shite, try to reason my way out of this, and it actually turns on me and makes everything worse because I have absolutely nothing to feel down about. I just did a really hard MA and unless I really bombed out I’m likely to come out with a relatively good grade that I can be proud of even if it doesn’t match my own unrealistically high expectations. I’ve got a great new job and free time to enjoy. I spend most of my life feeling guilty so just for tonight I’m going to let myself feel like this.
I feel upset, disappointed in myself, lost, tearful, nervous and sad.
Next week I’m going to take up my new hobby: knitting.