The last few days … well, to get to the punchline, it’s gone. How it got there was a bit of a head fuck. I feel a bit weird now, brain can’t quite work out what’s going on. ALL THE EMOTIONS are rampaging around inside me switching every few minutes. BE PREPARED. I’m in the office today and the rest of the week I’m putting things in place that will get me out and into a quieter environment. This is necessary to avoid what happened on Friday. Given my fragile state it was harder to maintain the serene smile and ended up having a small spat with my boss. It’s better for everyone if I get out of here when I can.
On the subject of Friday, things did get better thanks mainly to one of my sisters bringing a timely wide smile to my face. She told me the family are clubbing together to pay for my next tattoo, and then she designed it for me! It’s lovely and will be more obvious than my other two. I’ll not say more than that for now, I’ll post a picture of it in all its glory when it’s been done. 🙂
The weekend was harsh. 1) I was so calm when I studied during my three week break. The meltdown last week was caused by too much stress all at once – splitting my brain in two, trying to concentrate on work as well as the dissertation was too much.
2) Perfectionism strikes again! This could have been just like an extended essay. It was a subject I adore and would love to take to PhD level. But I couldn’t get it out of my head that my entire degree rests on this. I currently sit right on the borderline between merit and distinction. The grade for the dissertation will swing it either way. I kept restructuring it because one section was too long and another was too short. I had to tighten my argument because I have quite a meandering writing style. I couldn’t tell if the topic was narrow enough. I really don’t think it was and I can’t wipe it from my mind now. I’m still thinking of ways to make it better. On Sunday night I cut words I thought were shit and after I’d done that I was 1,000 words under the limit. Cue dissolving on hubby’s shoulder and spending the wee hours un-cutting words. I can’t now really remember what the flying fuck I was going on about but I’m fairly sure I’ve made an absolute mess of what is supposed to be the pinnacle of my MA. Please note: Now is not the time to tell me that I always think I’ve failed, I’m never happy with my work, I’m catastrophising, etc. etc. etc.
3) I buried myself in a hole, erected a few walls around me and fell apart all by myself. Hubby and I had a couple of mahoosive arguments so I didn’t tell him about the ideating of the last post. Then I was wary of telling him in case in case it sounded like I was confessing a dirty secret and he became overly worried. I did tell him in the end and he smiled at me and said it was hardly surprising. Then he stayed up with me till 3am when I was frantically making last minute revisions, just to keep me company. Best hubby in the world.
(BTW, YouTube videos explaining how to use section breaks in Word are brilliant.)
I can’t get it out of my head. It’s gone and it felt good to get rid of it, good to get rid of the deadline. Hate deadlines. The constant BUT IT’S NOT READY YET! running around my head, interfering with my ability to actually read the shit I wrote. The pressure’s gone. But I want to keep going. Bah. Must be out of my mind.
It was certainly a nice feeling to close down all the documents on my computer yesterday afternoon. I just had Facebook, Twitter and Google Reader open, woo! 😉 We tried to celebrate. We went to the bar after submission for an obligatory pint and sat staring vacantly in the sun for a while. We opened bubbly when we got home (it gave me heartburn and I drank milk for the rest of the evening). Celebrating actually turned into a nap before watching Celebrity Masterchef and going to bed at 9. Livin’ the dream.
Oh dear, this is sounding very negative. It’s not meant to be, honest. I suppose maybe it’ll just take me a while to adjust. I’m anticipating the inevitable crash which will most likely hit next week. For the rest of this week I’m going to watch Star Trek every evening and it’s party time at the weekend. Barbecue (please don’t rain), friends and family. Fab fab fab. See? Positive.