My brain is always busy, these days even more than usual. Constant head noise. Even sleep doesn’t give me much respite because I’m dreaming more than usual. It’s not even entertaining – last night I dreamt about the website I’m editing at work!
I’m still having difficulty getting my words out at times and yesterday hubby observed that it’s no wonder I’m “fucked in the head” because my thoughts go too fast for me to translate when I speak. He doesn’t know the half of it. No description could do it justice. All the thoughts about all the things all the time. Half formed sentences, mixed with flashing images, other people’s voices, my own voice, music… drives me up the wall. When I have difficulty sleeping hubby often tells me to just stop thinking. Okaaaaaaaay. What is it like in his head? I remember when we were camping last year, sitting outside our tent, I asked him what he was thinking.
What is this nothing? Even when I’m relaxed (not that I can remember when the last time was) my brain is always busy. Sometimes it’s frantic like now, sometimes it’s thoughts slowly meandering around my mind, dreamily bumping into each other.
I’m sure those of you with brains like mine can appreciate the difficulty I have when it comes to studying. I get part way through a paragraph (or a sentence on bad days) and then a string of words or an image pops in my head and it takes me a while to realise I’m concentrating on that and not on the words on the page. If I don’t notice it soon I’ll move on to another train of thought and bounce onto another and so on until I have no idea what the time is or where I am. Then I panic about the time I’ve lost and then the head noise ramps up a gear.
Anyway, today I found two apps that have totally transformed this nasty little cycle. One blocks me from all my favourite procrastination sites (Facebook, Twitter, WordPress, Google, ALL THE WEBSITES) for a set period of time. And another schedules breaks every so often throughout the day and shuts my screen down, basically telling me to back away from the computer. So I bravely went where no green frog has gone before and closed the internet down for six whole hours. Then every half an hour my computer told me to have a five minute break! Mind = blown.
When I noticed my mind wandering (it feels literal sometimes) I was better able to pull it back to the task in hand by looking at the timer telling me how long I had until my next break. Look! Only 26 minutes till you can go into the garden! YOU CAN DO IT! Fan-bloody-tastic. I switched from this:
throughout the day and it totally worked!
1,500 words later and I’m completely wired. This always happens. The more words I spit out onto the page, the more hyper I become. Must be over-stimulation, can’t find anything else to explain it. My hands have been shaking and my breathing has been shallow since 2pm. I’ve been having heart palpitations since 3pm. It feels like the inside of my head is spinning. I’m hoping that splurging here might take some of the force away and let me relax this evening. At least I’m just plain old wired and not ragey-punchy-hate-all-the-things wired.
I think I’ll sit on the step outside the flat for a while, and let my mind wander freely while I look at trees.