Monday morning had a slightly surreal quality to it. I woke up feeling nervous about the day ahead. I had the first meeting with my boss since the epic rudeness detailed here. On my way into work I got rammed inside Victoria tube station and clambered my way out to get the bus to work instead. It was quite funny actually. Commuters at that time of the morning (8am) are in their own little worlds, travelling on autopilot. As I turned tail and fled the crowds, I saw a throng of people trudging neatly into the tube station, realisation slowly dawning of the hordes of people swimming in front of them, a look growing on their faces that plainly said, “fuck this”, and turning around, getting out as fast as they could.
So I had a day of meetings ahead of me, work to be squeezed in between as much as possible, and now I was running late. Oh well, I had coffee and my mp3 player. I sat on the bus, listened to music from the last Soul Survivor I attended two years ago and watched early morning commuters in the sun. I suddenly realised that I felt happy. How extraordinary! I was nervous and late… and happy.
It could be the sun. When I think of this country being swathed in grey cloud for months at a time, I realise that most of the nation is probably mildly depressed most of the year. A disconcerting thought. It could have been that I was travelling by bus, which even when I’m late for work is infinitely preferable to be being squashed against strangers in sweltering heat underground. It could be that I am now up to 125mg Lamotrigine and it’s beginning to take effect. It could be that I have things to look forward to. My sister’s wedding in a few weeks, Soul Survivor and a week in Devon in August, and a yarn crawl in September. I don’t know if I am able to look forward to things because I am feeling better, or if I am feeling better because I have things to look forward to. I don’t suppose it matters.
I had one goal for the meeting with my boss – to not lose my temper. I almost made it. Of course, the self-flagellation stick came out and I burned with shame in the night. Tuesday: I woke up feeling nervous and reliving yesterday’s failure, anticipating further failure. But about an hour and a half into my day I started feeling happy again! Wednesday: Exactly the same. Thursday: Exactly the same. Friday: Exactly the same. Today: Exactly the same.
Not all has gone well. I am worried about things at work, wondering if this is the right job for me, pondering how an introvert can work healthily when pushed to become an extrovert, I have weird dreams, often verging on nightmares (last night’s involved thousands of cockroaches), I tire easily, I can only concentrate for a few minutes at a time, my graphic imagination is working overtime, my moods are erratic, I laugh quickly and I cry quickly… but I keep bouncing back to happy!
It’s wonderful to see the change in Mr Narky too. He is happy when I am happy. He often appears to be a relaxed, easy-going person, and he is, but this week has seen him beaming and playful.
2013 has been very hard so far, the hardest yet on our marriage and my sanity. Ahhhhhhh, it feels good to enjoy things again. 😀