So I’m not going to come off my meds after all. Not right now, anyway. All I did was decide to come off them, I didn’t even do anything, but it’s like my brain rebelled before I got a chance! A tiny switch has flicked. I went somewhere in my head last weekend that is very hard to describe and I can’t tell if I’ve crawled out yet or just gone to a different corner. All very small things, only two of which are anything approaching interesting enough to justify a blogpost.
My brain is going too fast. I’m jerky and itchy inside and it’s having an unfortunate effect on my ability to communicate. You may have seen I wrote a couple of blogposts elsewhere this week… They took me AGES. Today’s was like pulling teeth, I just could not sort myself out, and the typos, oh the typos. But at least I can take my time in writing, I can slow myself down enough to make some sort of sense. Speaking, on the other hand, is proving problematic this week. I’m thinking too fast to talk. My friends have been laughing at me *sob* because I just forget words. I say the wrong words or fumble around for ages plucking random words out of the air or just mumble. I’ll be reduced to miming soon. Sounds like…
There’s a slight shift in perception too. Small things, but hard to describe, especially now as I rifle through my internal dictionary. Tuning into other people’s emotions? The old ladies behind me at church on Sunday were so glad to be with each other for company. The woman opposite me on the train yesterday was sad and hiding it. It sounds silly, of course the old ladies were glad of company, and not many commuters are at their best when they’re stuck on trains in 30 degree heat. But they’re everywhere, these flickers of emotion and vulnerability. That’s it, it’s the vulnerability that gets me. All of a sudden I want to hug random strangers.
But at the same time I want to scratch their eyes out when they talk too much.
It’s that thing, that thing I don’t want to mention. Its name begins with D. Suffice it to say that it needs a lot more words and a lot more detail and it’s a bit scary.
Anyway, there we go, I’m doing a U-turn. There’s far too much at stake to begin barking again now. I’ll not ignore the tiny warning bells. In the meantime, I’ll start work on my new device which will mean I can screw my head off, shake it around a bit and screw it back on.
PS. Been feeling a bit unsure about the blog so I might make it private again, don’t want to pen myself in just because it’s open now. 😉