Tags
Bouncing, Dissertation, Ecstasy, Essay, Fire, Flat, Hypomania, Mania, Psychiatric Medications, Writing
18 months ago I got the highest grade of my MA so far. I remember feeling really enthusiastic and confident about it but the disability adviser at work said I should be cautious. I was apparently nearing mania when I wrote it, so the result may not be what I expected.
Totally got an awesome grade.
I loved writing that essay. Sure, I had to break every 15 minutes to bounce – anything to burn off some of that energy. It was Christmas and we were with my family. They were very accepting and let me bounce and ramble and sing and tell them about ALL THE THINGS! Given that all the things at that point focused on the afterlife in Islam, they deserve to be doubly proud of their forbearance.
So anyway, I wrote that essay and felt like it was the most amazing essay EVER, and it turns out I wasn’t far wrong. The marker is known for being harsh (he’s my dissertation supervisor too, yay) so I was well chuffed, to put it mildly.
On what would seem to be an unrelated note… I miss my highs. I’d really like them back. Meds flatten me (and those of you who have met me, yes, this is the flat me). It may be a cliche but Don’t Stop Me Now was MY song. I completely identified with it, bounced around my living room too it, insisted on turning it up full blast at parties and dancing regardless of how many people stared at me. It epitomised everything I used to feel.
I’m gonna have myself a real good time
I’m floating around in ecstasy
I’m a shooting star
Burning through the sky
Travelling at the speed of light
I’m having a ball
I’m out of control
I’m having such a good time
Don’t stop me
That was me, I felt it in my core and it’s all gone. I miss my pre-medicated life.
But now I’m wondering if I’m even capable of getting that sort of grade without being as high as a kite. The essay was a nightmare to write but my brain was on fire, I noticed every detail, every nuance in the language, every subtle meaning. And I don’t know if that was the real me, or the “ill” me. How can illness produce such fantastic results? Was it really illness? Or was that the real me and should I actually be trying to get it back?
I could induce it. I have leftover Aripiprazole. That’s pretty powerful stuff. There are a few risks, it made me jittery, but I got through it without having to come off. Maybe I could take just enough to fire things up a bit.
I won’t. I won’t I won’t I won’t I won’t.
In case anyone doesn’t believe me, I really won’t. It’s just… I want to.
If Narky, Feed Profusely 
I know that feeling of missing yourself whilst drugged-up, granted it was a little different for me but I asked the same questions you are asking.
I’m sorry you miss it, I hope you find it or even just the answers to your questions.
Xxx
LikeLike
Thanks, I think most people probably ask these questions. One way taking meds for mental stuff is different from taking them for physical stuff? How much of ‘me’ are they squashing.
LikeLike
Ah. Relate. Asking the same questions myself so not sure I can help. I do know that you are smart, and care about your subject, you are capable of getting good grades without being manic.
LikeLike
Thank you.
LikeLike
I can relate, too. My highs were never high enough to cause too much damage, but they were very nice indeed and I miss them. I miss the confidence, and feeling like there were stars in my brain and anything at all was possible. I miss being able to write – my best writing happened when I was ill that first time. I may have been going out of my mind but I wrote really good stuff, poems, stories, articles, and when I started taking medication all that went away. Now I can write ok-ish stuff on my blog but I can’t write poetry any more and it isn’t the same, the words are all dead on the page now. My old psychiatrist said it was the fault of the medication, but that I’ll be on meds for life. It’s been ten years now and I still miss it.
LikeLike
I’ve never been able to write poetry or stories. My best writing is academic, but I’ve lost the spark, the quick insight.
I have absolutely no intention of being on meds for ten years. I’ll be off them sooner or later.
LikeLike
I often feel the same.
I miss my highs, but when I’m low I easily forget how scary they were at the same time. I’m still searching for that little thing called ‘balance’, where I can be bouncy without being drugged, or sad without the same.
I recently stopped taking all my medication in search of the elusive, invincible high, and it ended in disaster, so there’s your warning 😉
I don’t have much to add, I’m afraid, I think everyone above has covered everything I could. I do think, though, that you are smart enough, and dedicated enough, to do well regardless of being manic.
And definitely stay away from the leftover Aripiprazole, or it’ll be all aboard the agitation train (at least that’s what it does to me!)
Take care, Narky.
x
LikeLike
I am so sorry that it’s been an unsuccessful experiment for you. My advice to others is often don’t come off your meds, but I question it for myself, for blurred reasons.
I wonder if it is possible to be balanced without losing something of yourself?
And yes, Aripiprazole makes me board the agitation train too, I couldn’t sit still at all when I first started it and people said it was exhausting just to look at me!
I really hope you’re feeling better soon, honey.
xxx
LikeLike
I’ll just add my “me too” to the above comments – I do sometimes wonder why we medicate ourselves but then I guess for me, the highs have gone but the lows remain, which isn’t really a huge selling point.
When I first read the post, I didn’t think I had a “my song”, having been bored with my iPod earlier, I now remember it was Tubthumping by Chumbawumba… it’s strange how all that feels like a lifetime ago, or maybe it happened to someone else?
I think you’re perfectly capable of high marks without a mood disorder pushing your mood sky high, though understand how much easier it is when you can see all the connections and are having a hundred thoughts a second about everything… though a high mood, certainly for me, has made it much more difficult to differentiate the good, or useful thoughts, from plain insanity…
Take care,
Eliana
LikeLike
You’re right, it does feel like a lifetime ago, or it was someone else and I was just watching.
The high moods did confuse things, lots of thoughts all at the same time, seeing some connections which perhaps weren’t there… but there is a pattern to suggest that my highest grades came with the more unstable moods.
LikeLike
This all sounds very reasonable and rational and not at all “that’s so bipolar”.. and going to the GP is always a good start, as much as I grump about them not being qualified to go around handing out mind-altering sweeties.
One thought I had about this was… is it possible (assuming you do go off-piste) to give something to hubby and dad, like a red card/veto or something that they can give back to you if they think (from their mostly objective and as you say trusted viewpoint) that you’ve lost the plot whilst med-less and need to rethink your position? That way you’d have a trusted safety net and wouldn’t have to rely exclusively on your own judgement or that of the GP?
Just throwing it out there.. 🙂
x
LikeLike
I trust my GP more than any psychiatrist I’ve ever seen. 😉
I’ll create some sort of warning sign list or something, especially based on what they see as red flags. I find it hard to tell sometimes!
LikeLike